Short answer: When you live or work with your ex, full no contact isn’t possible, so you switch to emotional no contact: you only talk about what’s necessary (rent, bills, chores, work tasks), in a short and neutral way, and nothing else. Agree on a few clear house or work rules, separate your spaces and schedules as much as you can, mute them on social media, and set a move-out date if you share a home. It’s harder than normal no contact, but it works on the same principle.
Regular no contact advice assumes you can just stop talking. That’s not your life. You still hear them in the kitchen. You still see their name in the team chat. You still sit across from them in Monday’s meeting. If that’s where you are, you’re not failing at no contact. You’re doing a harder version of it, and it needs a different set of tools.
What no contact means when you can’t avoid them
The no contact rule works by cutting off the stream of small rewards and disappointments that keep you emotionally hooked. When you share a home or a job, you can’t cut off every interaction, but you can cut off the ones that do the hooking: the late-night talks, the “how are you really,” the jokes, the analyzing what went wrong, the hugs that “don’t mean anything.”
Think of it in two categories:
| Necessary contact (allowed) | Emotional contact (stop) |
|---|---|
| Rent, bills, the lease, move-out plans | Talking about the relationship or the breakup |
| Who’s home when, shared chores | “How are you feeling?” and checking on each other |
| Pets, deliveries, repairs | Sharing your day, venting, inside jokes |
| Work tasks, deadlines, meetings | Personal messages, DMs, lunch together |
| Brief, polite greetings | Physical affection, sleeping in the same bed |
| Safety or emergencies | Asking about their dating life or plans |
This is sometimes called low contact or modified no contact. If you’re not sure which approach fits, our comparison of no contact vs low contact vs grey rock explains the differences.
If you still live together
Living with an ex after a breakup is one of the hardest situations there is. Every room holds a memory. You hear their phone buzz and wonder who it is. And because they’re physically there, your brain never gets the quiet it needs to stop craving them. Research by Helen Fisher and colleagues (2010, Journal of Neurophysiology) found that rejection activates reward and craving systems in the brain; having the person you’re craving down the hall keeps those systems busy.
The goal, then, is to make your shared space feel as much like two separate lives as possible until one of you moves out.
Step 1: Have one calm “house rules” conversation
Pick a moment when you’re both reasonably calm, not right after an argument or at midnight. Keep it practical. You might say:
“I think we both need space to get through this, and we’re stuck living together for now. Can we agree on a few things so it’s easier for both of us? I’d like us to keep our conversations to the practical stuff, give each other privacy, and sort out a plan for moving out.”
Then agree on specifics. Write them down and share them, so you don’t have to renegotiate every evening.
Step 2: Agree the essentials
- Sleeping arrangements. Separate rooms if at all possible. If there’s only one bedroom, take turns with the sofa, or ask a friend if you can stay a few nights a week.
- Schedules. Who uses the kitchen and bathroom when. Who’s home on which evenings. Overlap less, argue less.
- Guests. Agree in advance whether friends can come over and give notice. Agree that neither of you brings a date home while you’re still living together. Seeing that can set your recovery back weeks.
- Money. Who pays what until the lease ends or one of you leaves. Put it in writing.
- One communication channel. A shared note or a single chat for house logistics only. No other messages.
- A move-out date. This is the most important item. “Eventually” keeps you stuck. A date, even three months away, gives you something to count down to.
Step 3: Build a “room of your own”
Even if it’s one corner, make a space that’s yours. Headphones help more than you’d think. So does rearranging the furniture, swapping bedding or putting away shared photos. Spend as much time as you can outside the home: the gym, a café, a library, a friend’s sofa. Every evening out is an evening without the temptation to talk.
Step 4: Unhook online
Living together doesn’t mean you need to see their stories. Mute or unfollow them on social media. Turn off “last seen” if you can. Don’t check where they are on location sharing; turn it off if you shared it.
Moving out: practical notes
If your names are on a lease or a mortgage together, check the agreement and talk to your landlord or lender early about options. Rules on ending a joint tenancy differ by state and between the US and UK, so it’s worth getting proper advice from a tenant advice service or a lawyer if things are complicated. Moving costs and logistics can feel overwhelming. Break them into small tasks with dates, and ask friends to help with the physical move so you’re not doing it alone with your ex.
Hard to stay quiet when they’re in the next room? When you want to knock on their door or send that message, open the SOS button in Breakup AI first. It walks you through the next few minutes and counts your days of emotional no contact.
If you work together
Working with an ex means you can’t avoid them, and you also can’t fall apart in front of them, which is its own kind of exhausting. The aim is simple: be the colleague you’d be with someone you don’t know well. Polite, professional, brief.
Your work rules
- Work channels only. Use email or the team chat for work questions. No personal texts, no DMs on social media.
- Keep it about the task. “Can you send me the figures by 3?” is fine. “How are you doing?” in a private message isn’t.
- Don’t eat lunch together, and avoid after-work drinks where you know they’ll be, at least for the first few months.
- Don’t discuss the breakup with coworkers beyond one or two people you trust. Office gossip has a way of getting back.
- Prepare for the moments you can’t avoid. Meetings, presentations, the office party. Decide in advance where you’ll sit and how you’ll leave.
Scripts for awkward moments at work
- They try to talk about the relationship at work: “I’d rather keep things professional here. Let’s stick to the project.”
- They DM you something personal: Don’t reply to the personal part. If there’s a work question in it, answer that, by email.
- A coworker asks what happened: “We’ve broken up, and we’re both keeping it professional. I’d rather not go into it.”
- You need a moment: Step out for water or a walk. Five minutes outside is better than crying at your desk.
When they’re your manager, or it gets worse
If your ex manages you, has influence over your work, or is making your job harder through comments, exclusion or retaliation, this is a workplace issue, not just a personal one. Keep a note of what happens and when, and talk to HR or a trusted senior colleague. You may also be able to ask for changes to reporting lines, seating or projects.
When they’re with someone new
One of the hardest parts of living or working with an ex is seeing them move on up close: the new person at the door, the photo in the team chat, the overheard phone call. It may help to plan for this before it happens. Decide what you’ll do in the moment (leave the room, put headphones on, call a friend) and who you’ll talk to afterwards. Our guide to seeing your ex with someone new has more on getting through it.
Try this tonight: the “colleague voice” rehearsal. Pick one interaction you’ll have with your ex tomorrow: passing in the kitchen, a meeting, a question about the bills. Say your line out loud three times in the tone you’d use with a polite stranger: “Morning.” “I’ve paid the gas bill, your half is $40.” “I’ll send the draft by noon.” It sounds silly, but rehearsing makes it far easier to stay neutral when your heart is pounding. Then plan your exit line, too: “Okay, thanks,” and walk away.
What gets in the way, and how to handle it
“We’re still friendly, so it’s fine to chat”
Being civil is good. Being close is the problem. Late-night talks, sharing your day and laughing at old jokes are exactly the moments that restart the craving and the hope. Warmth now often turns into pain later.
“We slept together again”
This happens a lot when people still live together. It doesn’t make you weak. But unless you’ve both clearly decided to try again and changed what wasn’t working, it usually restarts the hurt. Go back to your rules, and look at whether you can spend more nights away until the move-out date.
“They keep crossing the boundaries”
Restate them once, calmly: “I’ve asked that we keep it to practical things. I need that to get through this.” If they keep ignoring it, reduce contact further, spend more time away and, if needed, speed up the move. You don’t have to justify needing space.
If you don’t feel safe
If your ex is threatening, controlling, or physically or emotionally abusive, living together is a safety issue, not a no-contact challenge. Please contact a domestic violence service for help planning a safe exit. In the US, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. In the UK, call the National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247. If you’re in immediate danger, call 911 in the US or 999 in the UK. If you’re having thoughts of hurting yourself, call or text 988 in the US, or call Samaritans on 116 123 in the UK.
It gets easier, even here
Emotional no contact with someone you see every day is genuinely hard, and progress may be slower than for people who can go fully silent. But the same things still help: fewer emotional interactions, less checking, more of your own life. If you shared a home after years together, our guide to a breakup after a long relationship covers the bigger rebuild that comes after the move.
FAQ
How do you do no contact when you live together?
Limit conversation to practical things like bills and chores, keep it short and neutral, sleep in separate rooms if possible, and spend time out of the home. Mute them online and set a firm move-out date.
How do I go no contact with an ex at work?
Keep all communication professional and on work channels, avoid lunches and personal chats, and prepare for unavoidable meetings. If they’re your manager or behavior becomes hostile, talk to HR.
Is it a bad idea to keep living with your ex after a breakup?
It’s usually much harder to heal while living together, so most people benefit from separating as soon as practical. If you can’t move yet, clear house rules and a move-out date make it more manageable.
Should I tell my ex I’m doing no contact if we live together?
It helps to explain that you need to keep things practical and give each other space, without calling it a rule or a strategy. Agreeing on house rules together reduces tension.
What if my ex and I share a lease?
Check the agreement, talk to your landlord early about options, and get advice from a tenant service or lawyer if it’s complicated. Put any money arrangements in writing until the lease is resolved.
How long does it take to get over an ex you see every day?
Often longer than with full no contact, because seeing them keeps feelings active. Reducing emotional contact, separating spaces and moving out when possible all speed it up.
